


Look Who Came to Dinner

by brokenmimir



Series: Swan Queen Week Summer 2014 [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Humor, Swan Queen Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2014-06-09
Packaged: 2018-02-04 01:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1761779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenmimir/pseuds/brokenmimir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma decides to get revenge on her mother for her matchmaking attempts by bringing the most offensive possible date to dinner.  The evening goes differently than she had imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Look Who Came to Dinner

**Author's Note:**

> [b]Disclaimer[/b]  
> I don't own anything. Once Upon a Time is not owned by me. It is owned by rich, talented people. I'm a nobody. Please don't sue me.

“Regina!” Emma called as she knocked loudly on the mansion’s front door. “Regina!”

After a long moment the door finally opened, revealing the woman in question with an angry scowl on her face. “What?”

Emma plastered on her best salesman’s smile and stuck her hands into her back pockets. “Hey. I was wondering if you could do me a favor...”

Before she could finish her sentence the door slammed shut. Emma groaned before pounding on the door again. “It’s to help me get revenge on Snow White!”

The door snapped open. “I’m listening,” Regina said neutrally.

Emma smiled again a little more naturally this time. “Thanks. My par- um, Mary-Margaret and David have been trying to set me up with Neal for weeks now. Mary-Margaret just won’t listen when I tell her that even if I’m not mad at him anymore I don’t want to get together with the guy who made me give birth in jail-”

“Is this story going somewhere Ms. Swan?” Regina interrupted.

Emma blew out a puff of air. “Yes. Look, I told her I’ve been dating someone is secret for a while, and I wanted to invite the person she’d be most upset about and that would obviously be you.”

“So you want me to be your pretend girlfriend so you can get revenge on Snow for her matchmaking?” Regina asked for clarification.

“Exactly,” Emma said. “No heart ripping or anything, but you know she’ll completely freak out if I come in the door holding your hand.”

“So we’d have to... hold hands, and act besotted with each other, and generally be as nauseating as the two idiots?” Regina asked.

“I guess,” Emma said, shrugging.

“And this invitation to help you make Snow White squirm isn’t some form of entrapment?” Regina asked, looking around as if she expected officers waiting with handcuffs to take her away the moment she mentioned interest in tormenting Snow. “I’ve been doing what Henry asked of me.”

“No Regina, I’m not trying to entrap you,” Emma said rolling her eyes.

“Fine,” Regina said. “If you expect your mother to buy this we’ll have to act like we’re really a couple.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Emma said. “I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“You can’t seriously expect me to ride in that yellow deathtrap can you?” Regina called out as Emma walked away.

“What have I gotten myself into?” Emma muttered.

 

* * *

 

That evening Emma arrived at Regina’s mansion once again and knocked on the door. Her jaw dropped when it opened to reveal Regina dressed in a tight fitting black dress that emphasized all of her assets in a way that frankly should’ve been illegal. Emma had always known that Henry’s other mother was attractive, but it wasn’t until that moment that she understood how so many people had been manipulated by the former queen into doing her bidding with looks and seduction. She would have to be on her toes to keep it from happening to her.

“I’ll be driving tonight, Ms. Swan,” Regina declared imperiously while strolling to her car.

“Okay,” Emma said before frowning. She hadn’t meant to say that. _Damn it._

The drive was silent until Emma managed to look out the window long enough to recover her bearings. “Emma,” she said.

“No, I’m Regina,” the woman answered with the kind of tone usually reserved for very small children and the mentally handicapped.

“No, I mean, you need to call me Emma if this is going to work,” she said. “If we’re dating you probably shouldn’t call me Ms. Swan unless your pissed at me or we’re in the bedroom.”

_Why did I say that?_ she thought, biting her lip and sneaking a glance at Regina’s sheer dress.  _Right._

“So you would like to be called Ms. Swan in the bedroom?” Regina purred. “Do you enjoy that?”

“W-what?” Emma swallowed. “Um, uh... we’re here?”

Regina parked and Emma led them to the door of the loft apartment. She took a deep breath to center herself before knocking. Her mental preparations turned out to be a complete waste as Regina linked arms with her before pressing into her side, a soft breast rubbing against Emma’s bicep. When the door opened Emma had a slightly goofy grin on her face and a vacant look in her eyes that finally snapped into focus as she saw her father. He couldn’t have looked more surprised to see her date if Emma had shown up with his evil twin brother brought back from the dead by Frankenstein. Frankly, he probably would’ve considered that to be a more likely scenario.

“Hello, Charming,” Regina said. “It’s so nice to finally meet you in your capacity as my lover’s father.”

“Emma,” David hissed, while glaring at Regina. “What is going on here?”

“We’re, um, dating?” Emma said, although it sounded more like a question even to her own ears.

“You can’t date her,” David said, pointing at Regina as if they didn’t know who he was talking about.  
  
“And why not?” Regina demanded. “Do you have a problem with people of alternate sexualities? I wouldn’t have expected the proponent of true love to be so bigoted.”

David’s jaw tensed for a moment before he forced himself to relax. “Right. Won’t you come in Regina?”

Regina gave him a politician’s smile, although it had perhaps a few too many teeth showing. If she had been a lower primate it definitely would’ve been a challenge to violent conflict. David looked as though he would’ve preferred that as one hand twitched toward the sword that was no longer on his hip.

“Emma?” Snow called from the kitchen.

“Yeah?” Emma called back.

Snow came into the room and froze in the doorway. “What are you doing here?” she demanded while glaring at Regina.

Regina smirked and unhooked her arm from Emma’s before somehow pressing against her side, wrapping an arm around Emma’s waist and molding herself against her ‘girlfriend’s’ body. Emma’s arm dropped into place around Regina’s shoulder’s without conscious thought, and for a moment all that she could think was that Regina felt really  _really_ good pressed up against her.

“What are you doing?!” Snow screeched. “Don’t touch her!”

“Oh, I’ve done far more than that,” Regina purred, her hand sliding down to grip Emma’s bottom possessively. Emma had to bite her lip to contain a moan at the feeling.

Snow swayed on her feet, and Charming swooped to her side, supporting her instantly as she reeled under the emotional blow. Before anyone could say anything the oven timer beeped, and Snow ran to the kitchen, pale and panicked but grateful for the distraction. Charming looked around awkwardly for a moment before giving his daughter a strained smile and following his wife.

“This seems to be working,” Emma muttered. “You can let go of my ass now, Regina.”

Emma shivered as she felt Regina’s hot breath in her ear as she spoke softly directly into it. “If you insist Ms. Swan.”

With one last grope Regina let go and stepped away leaving Emma swaying unsteadily on her own feet. Once she had recovered some of her equilibrium she led the way to the dining area, avoiding even looking at Regina. In an attempt to keep that up she set the former queen down beside her at the table. That turned out to be a bad plan as a moment later Regina’s hand landed on her upper thigh, her thumb caressing her leg as they sat.

Before Emma could figure out how to object to something she was enjoying so much that it had to be a felony Snow and Charming entered the room carrying the casserole they had prepared. They both looked slightly ill at the position of Regina’s hand but managed to set the food on the table without saying anything.

Once the food was served David cleared his throat and spoke. “So... how long have you been... seeing each other?”

Regina gave him a plastic smile. “After Snow murdered my mother Emma came around to check on me. She had been concerned. One thing led to another, and I realized just how much I wanted to be with her. I was quite surprised when she asked me, but we’ve been happily together for some time now.”

Snow set down her fork, which had somehow become bent during the speech, her face flushed with shame and outrage. “She killed my mother!”

“Yes, yes, you’ve become just like my mother, I know,” Regina said, her voice bored. “Killing people’s mothers, avoiding blame, manipulating people, trying to force relationships on people that never wanted them...”

“Get away from my daughter!” Snow snarled. “I won’t let you use her to get revenge on me!”

“Hey, I asked her out!” Emma snapped, her slow entrance to the conversation caused by the realization that Regina’s explanation was true except for the part about her feelings. Because that couldn’t possibly be true, no matter mow much Regina’s hand had drifted further and further towards the apex of Emma’s thighs even now that Snow and David couldn’t see what was happening.

“Why don’t we all calm down?” David interrupted.

They all looked at their plates and began to quietly pick at their food. Snow and David could barely eat after discovering their daughter’s date, Regina could barely eat after discovering that Snow’s idea of a casserole involved canned foods dumped into a pan and placed in the oven until they were overcooked, and Emma could barely eat because Regina still hadn’t stopped caressing her thigh under the table. It was all she could do not to squirm, or shove everything off of the table and claim Regina right there in front of her parents.

“I can’t believe you’re dating _her_ ,” Snow suddenly said, breaking the strained silence.

“Is it really that hard to believe?” Regina asked. “We’ve always had a fire between us. We share Henry, so being together only makes us a proper family. And while she dresses... the way she does, she is quite attractive when she tries, especially if you’re fond of the... sporty type. And we’ve found ourselves to be quite compatible. Isn’t that right _Ms. Swan?_ "

Emma had been overwhelmed by Regina’s reasoning, so much so that she failed to suppress the moan that came out involuntarily at the way that Regina purred the words  _Ms. Swan._ She turned bright red as she realized that she had done so in front of her parents, who both sported horrified expressions for a moment.

“You know, Emma always does save her,” David said. “And even when she isn’t in trouble she does always seem focused on her.”

Snow gave him a glare which effectively communicated his need to be quiet. “I don’t know how you’ve done this spell or whatever to my daughter, but I won’t stand for it!”

“It’s not your decision!” Emma shouted, years of delayed teenage rebellion kicking in. “I’m with Regina now and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

With those words she turned, grabbed Regina, and pulled her in for a forceful kiss. Regina wrapped her arms around Emma a moment later, and suddenly Emma found a tongue invading her mouth, teeth biting her lip, suction, heat, passion...

Neither woman noticed Snow run from the table in tears, or David chasing after her. Neither noticed anything but each other for a long time, until finally Emma pulled back, a dopey grin on her face.

“Perhaps we should continue this at my place, Ms. Swan?” Regina offered, eyes dark and glittering.

Emma jumped to her feet and all but dragged Regina out the door.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The second prompt for Swan Queen Week was ‘Fake Relationship’, and I churned this out in about an hour. I decided that something Robin related had already been well explored by others, so I would do something from an earlier point in the series. And of course, given the chemistry between them, a fake date didn’t stay fake for long.


End file.
